men want "mentally unstable” women until they finally meet one

a personal essay on how I find my experience with heterosexual relationships a little bit 'unhealthy'

While I mindlessly scroll over my third hinge match of the day, I flirt with the fourth of yesterday's; did he already sense the absence of commitment and emotional availability in my “So do you earn?” text? I would hope so because I wouldn’t marry me either (a pathological people pleaser- do you get the reference? :p). He sends me reels sometimes, I don’t watch them because I know he wants to sleep with me, and acknowledging his internet gratification might as well just fuel his “male ego” to the point of a displeased assumption of “oh she must be fascinated because she engaged with my Instagram algorithm”. 

My only friend with the longest relationship I know of will be 22 in a few months, and she has dated this guy since she was fourteen, the guy was older; was she by the slightest chance groomed? yes, but they like to believe they were in “love”!  and my longest talking stage this year was with a guy who had a train fetish but called my childhood trauma an “acquired” kink- he said he would bake me his favorite apple pie but only if he could stop persuading me that I would look exhilaratingly adorable if I birth his children? I like to compare my friend’s love life to mine, where am I lacking? Is it the body dysmorphia or social anxiety or maybe even the fact that I just know they will run away from me the moment I start talking about, how most South Asian mothers emanate deep-rooted internal misogyny and often end up giving the same life to their daughters.

 “My mother raised me well”,

says a man who writes he’s attracted to “mentally unstable girls” in his dating app bio, what are you even attracted to? I can think of two reasons as of now-

1. Challenge: I think they find it amusing, they like to put us on a pedestal and outrightly keep an eye on our every move and they love when we act “exactly that”- a stereotypical ‘bitch’ with them. It probably also turns them on, as it must be so cute to be on the other side witnessing the revolutionizing of humans to be their worst selves (it also applies to the straight girls wanting to date the “red flag” men).

2. Codependency: I have seen it with my own parents, my father is tired of my mother’s constant episodes of victimization owing to very typical and trivial matters, but he needs her because he has his emotional dependencies which can only be fulfilled with my mother’s ceaseless disintegration. They need each other to feel things, if not perhaps they are just afraid to die alone- “if not them then who” for the sake of it.

retarded concept of 'situationship' is not for mentally ill people

I have had my fair share of adventures when I have wanted to bang my head against the wall because a guy wasn’t texting me back (like bruh it’s not even that deep), but I loathe LOATHE how being in a “situationship” is far more culturally and economically accepted because who dates to marry right? This guy I was subtly interested in was a junior in my college, to my surprise I invested my time in a guy after five years but he could not regulate my thoughts- probably my “fascination” was too violent for him. Can a girl not even tune in towards passion when they have a ‘crush’? I feel too much! He holds my hand, and we maintain eye contact for a good five seconds however I am not supposed to fall in love now- but he is the one who’s intrigued by girls like me. Do they not want me to love them till death but it’s okay to be freaky in bed? And if I don’t show up to these ‘dates’ religiously, I am the catfish account on social media because I hate to show my reality.

Source: Pinterest

Another guy called my “depression” sexy, so I gave him a little taste of it ( I ghosted him for two whole weeks) and now he’s like “ I thought you were cool but wtf”- I gave him my doctor’s number and asked him to talk to them because I have no control over my brain; it tells me to end it right there in front of him so he will know I like him for real, but will I do it? no obviously not (I don’t trust myself these days though).

I do question the fact that if the issue is actually me or just my choices in men in general. Maybe both, maybe neither. I do find solace in my fictional men- they will like me even if I end up committing a bloody arson. So yeah, it's not me (the issue) .

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There are days when writing doesn’t come to me but I love to rant so it was probably one of those days, but hey still thank you for reading this. Also, this song is stuck inside my head-

Love,

Akira